“I feel attacked,” my boss finally said.
Hmm. Had I overdone it?
In previous roles and companies, I’d requested promotions or transfers, and it hadn’t always worked. I thought I’d been proactive by directly approaching department heads - only to realize I’d been so subtle that they didn’t even know I was interested, after speaking to me.
This time, I didn’t want to make that mistake.
And, I needed that considerable pay raise (almost double) to actually do my job well, with expanded responsibilities both at work and at home.
So I’d asked for a casual catch up, and while waiting for the appetizers to arrive, without any preamble, I raised the topic. I talked about the new role, and how expanded the responsibilities were. When the conversation shifted, I brought it back to compensation. When it shifted again, I pushed for a commitment and a number.
Well, that meal ended awkwardly.
I share 5 tips below that helped me improve.
But first, why it matters
Many of us (especially women) aren’t used to asking for what we want, including at work. We think our work will speak for itself, so that we don’t have to. Or, we believe structures and processes will take care of our progression.
Nobody cares more about your growth, or knows more about your needs, than yourself.
Being assertive doesn’t mean expecting to get what you want without making a case. It also doesn’t mean shoving others down a path. Ultimately, assertiveness is simply communicating directly, and honestly, about our needs and wants.
But talking about pay, money and promotions often brings up anxiety and self-doubt - which leads to avoidance, or in my case, overcompensation.
The truth is - we may think it’s a sensitive topic, but it’s part of business.
5 tips to build confidence for assertiveness
Connect first At the end of the day, remember that it’s another human in front of you, with their own list of concerns. Actually caring about how they are does make things easier. Getting a sense of their mood, or what’s preoccupying them, may help you. Asking for something is easier when there’s existing camaraderie or connection.
Be clear what you want, don’t drop hints That said, you still have to put yourself forward. Knowing what you want will help build confidence, while helping the other party understand what you’re asking for. Signposting helps: “I’d like to discuss XXXX, and let you know where I stand.”
Be prepared to make your case. Having concrete data points will help build your own confidence - you can refer to achievements and benchmarks objectively.
Don’t expect an immediate response, but follow up. Just because it’s not immediate doesn’t mean it’s a rejection. Checking in with stakeholders on next steps and a timeline will help you be proactive and maintain confidence. It also conveys that you’re still interested, and helps you stay top of mind since everyone has heaps to juggle.
Be consistent in the ask. This helps build credibility - not just with others, but with yourself. Consistently hearing yourself articulate this reinforces its importance, and helps build confidence.
P.S.: I did get that raise. It helped me do my job much better, without worrying about daily finances and longer-term plans.
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