Having conversations around differences or sensitive topics can be daunting. But sweeping things under the rug can lead to š¤ resentment, āļø snowballing and perhaps, š š»āāļø self-deception.
More honest, constructive relationships at work and in life are possible, and if nothing else, itās helpful for our own growth to be able to have these.
Iāll share how to identify necessary difficult conversations and 4 ways to overcome the impulse to avoid these.
I grew up in a pretty authoritarian household. We had to get good grades, sometimes had individual obedience scoresheets (5 āĀ in a month = 1 ā ļø ), and werenāt allowed to cry.
We also had lots of opportunities to travel and try things, and knew we were loved and cared for.
This made it impossible to have honest discussions about topics like money or differing opinions, because when there was peace, we didnāt want to be ādisobedientā and disrupt it - a mindset I took into friendships and personal relationships.
It was only in my mid-30s that I could write (not even say!) something honest but difficult to my Dad, which transformed our relationship. Around the same time, I was navigating some challenging negotiations at work which I could not avoid. It wasnāt a coincidence that the same shift in mindset happened at work and at home.
Avoidance or discretion?
Just because a conversation is difficult, doesnāt mean you need to have it.Ā Five things we can ask ourselves to clarify if itās avoidance or discretion:
Is there an underlying issue that will snowball if unaddressed?
Even if Iām not at fault for this, is it my responsibility to improve the situation?
Will I feel resentful if I donāt address this?
Is this preventing me from being honest (with myself or others) about my needs, goals and who I am?
Is the main reason Iām not having this conversation because Iām afraid of the outcome?
If the answer is āyesā, then itās worth exploring:
Our assumptions about what will happen
Our assumptions about our ability to handle what will happen
The costs of not having that conversation
What our inaction tells others about us
(Side note: Procrastination is a form of avoidance, and also a symptom not a cause).
4 immediate steps to overcome avoidance
If it is indeed avoidance, hereās three ways I started opening that door to difficult conversations for myself:
1) Checking my own expectations and assumptions
Conversations were often difficult because of the fear of rejection or āfailureā. At the same time, putting in the thought and emotional effort to actually raise a difficult topic somehow led me to expect perfect outcomes.
This doubled the pressure: expecting perfection while fearing rejection made it even harder to overcome avoidance.Ā To overcome this, I found it helpful to:
Dissociate the notions of āfailureā or āsuccessā from the outcomes
Recognize that I could put my best foot forward, but couldnāt control othersā reactions
Recognize that I didnāt really know the othersā perspectives
Return to my values and determine how to act in line with them
2) Simply state / share my feelings without asking for anything
I often held back because I predicted pushback or saw disagreements as confrontation. This immediately led to a defensive mindset.
Instead, a trick I now use is to simply think of it as sharing my experience. Itās not about persuading someone (yet). Itās just putting an alternative perspective out there.
3) Write a letter assuming the best case response (you donāt have to send it yet)
Once when it was too daunting to speak to someone, I wrote a letter to them acknowledging their perspective, putting my concerns forward, and suggesting how I hoped we could move forward.
Writing it out helped me clarify my thoughts and desired outcomes. Imagining the best case response helped me to get out of fight or flight mode, because in-person engagement was too intimidating.
Itās also possible to write this, and then decide later on whether to actually give them the letter. But just having that letter removes a huge mental block, because itās now real and not just in your head.
4) Lay the ground to confine immediate reactions
If itās appropriate, prepare or pre-agree on space to decompress and process differences. This could be openly discussed and agreed on, or it could be communicating in a way that gives that space.
For instance, agreeing that each person will take 5-10minutes to express themselves without being interrupted, then coming together again later that day to continue the conversation
Or, sending a text message and then saying āThereās no need to reply now, but Iād love to discuss this at some point next weekā.
Remember that we often assume we know othersā perspectives. What seems clear and obvious to us, is often not so for others.
As difficult as it may seem, the onus is on ourselves to learn to have tough conversations, and communicate what is important to us. Otherwise, others will decide forĀ us.
Application
Whatās the one difficult conversation you havenāt had yet, that would most improve your current situation?
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