A personal story and update (:
5 steps to letting go of past identities, so you can effectively build your future dreams
Interesting links and recommendations
Hello friends,
It’s my last week in Shanghai, and I’m finding it especially difficult to accept that.
This wasn’t unforeseen, but I’ll be honest - the adjustment hasn’t been easy, and even though I’ve had time to prep, it’s also brought back memories of the last time I had to change my life without warning.
Then, I was on the cusp of my most exciting career adventure, building a team and starting up a fund in China. It was the toughest job I’d had, but also the most exciting, with the most responsibilities and the chance to live in Beijing, which I unexpectedly enjoyed. I prepped for my next 5-7 years, raising funds, networking with founders, chasing deals.
Just as we secured our first senior hire, covid hit. The borders closed to all foreigners without a government invitation.
We all remember how uncertain those years were, and the adjustments we made.
On my end, after doing all I could to get the job done from the outside (of all markets, China is especially hard to build relationships in without face-to-face contact), I decided to leave and pursue another dream from my past: psychology.
3 years later, I’m where I didn’t expect in 2021 - setting up my own company, learning to run different parts of it myself, and having had the chance to move to Shanghai end 2023.
I’ve loved so much of it, and there are so many exciting plans ahead (including this, which just opened for pre-launch waitlist this week!) but in my last week here, all I can think of is what I’ll be leaving behind.
We often think of grief as something we experience when we lose somebody
But what if we are losing a part of ourselves?
Anytime we have to shed parts of ourselves - close relationships, dreams, roles and identities we’ve held, lives and locations we’ve inhabited - there is some grief.
Some of us feel it more intensely than others, and tend to live in nostalgia.
Some of us deal with it by constantly moving and looking ahead, trying not to hold on to much.
Some of us sit anchored in the present, and seem to be less affected.
I’m still getting better at dealing with this, but after the past decade of personal and professional changes, I’ve learnt a few things. If, like me, you have:
had to let go of who, and what, you thought you would be at this point in time;
found that things you now want conflict with what you used to pursue, but you can’t let go of your patterns and previous values;
looked at your life, even your CV, from the outside, and realized this was not what your 10-years-younger self pictured
achieved what you set out to achieve, and then realized it wasn’t want you expected,
Here are some ways to move on healthily:
1. Find a way to honour and remember what you’re letting go of, good and bad
I had a blog when I was in Beijing and kept tons of photos. I found it helpful, when I was ready, to set aside time to look through these and savour the memories. I treated these as confirmation that I had actually been there and done that, and refrained from projecting into “if only” and “what if”, so they stayed happy rather than painful.
Now, I trust that I will be ready to do the same at some point, for anything or anyone I have to leave behind.
Recently I reread some of blog entries, and it reminded me that while things were rosy in my memory, I actually struggled a lot. In the end it felt like a triumph because I didn’t expect to hit some milestones I met, but there were days when I felt like a complete failure.
That was important to remember too.
2. Recognize that it will always be a part of you, and that shared experiences are like evolving history into the future
The beauty of having to leave some of these dreams and identities behind is that we evolve. That means, the people around us also evolve and can move with us.
Trust that whatever you’ve gone through has changed you in some way, and will continue to be part of you - even in less obvious or less familiar ways.
A source of comfort I often come back to, is that everything I’ve had to let go of continues to live on in my relationships with people from different stages of life. One gift of these different transitions has been relationships that I never expected to form, new friends I didn’t expect to get closer to, and a better appreciation for the constancy of old friends and family.
3. Grief can be a positive signal
This took me a while, and it can be especially painful depending on what you’re going through. We often want to run from pain; sometimes the pain is there as a signal.
In this case, grief can remind us that what we had was something worth having and worth chasing.
The challenge comes when we try to hold on to that pain because we think that’s the best way to honour it, or to keep the past with us.
Feel it, accept it, and let go.
4. Find something to look forward to, even if it’s just the space for possibilities you may not know yet
As humans we are made to want growth and direction.
If you know what’s next, find something in it to look forward to, even if you didn’t plan for it.
If you have always known what’s next, then not having a very clear plan can feel destabilising. Rather than rush into a plan for the sake of it, see if you can enjoy the feeling of having space for new possibilities.
I only remember to look up from my phone when I realize something is ending - and by then I’ve missed so many chances to enjoy it.
5. Be deliberate about the identity and dream you do want, to move toward
Just because we evolve, and dreams change, doesn’t mean we stop having them. Whoever you are now is a product of your past.
What is the future you want to write for yourself, now that you know yourself better?
Which parts of the past do you want to keep, and which parts are you ready to let go of, to make space for future you?
Be an early tester to get more affordable coaching
Here’s a quick peek at the new flexible program I’m building - I’m currently looking to test one of the modules with a handful of people, with more coaching and benefits in this pre-launch stage.
If you’re interested, please sign up for the waitlist here!
If you know anyone interested or who could benefit, please do send this to them - I’d super appreciate the chance to work with driven, thoughtful folks to achieve alignment, peace and performance.
Links and Recs
Sharing here some reads and resources I genuinely enjoy and endorse. I’m fortunate to actually have known and worked with some of the folks here:
Dr. Sara Kuburic’s Millenial therapist IG: I find her tips practical and love the proactive mindset she advocates
Terry Toh is a productivity coach whom I recently worked with - he has a great energy and isn’t afraid to call you out and challenge you while creating a safe space
Julian Wong’s newsletter follows his reflections as he shifts away from full-time employment towards a different approach to work and life
Cissy Hu’s recent series captures the complexities of intergenerational relationships with Asian parents
Sami Morici is a vet I met on a global digital writing program, and I’m really enjoying her presence on LinkedIn
Dan Go’s newsletter always gets reread cos I’ll always need practical, detailed tips on eating, exercising and living healthier