We often sacrifice our own peace and identity to maintain harmony or relationships, or simply because it seems to be “the right thing” to do. This can happen in personal or work relationships, and typically takes two forms:
Doing something out of obligation, to fulfil someone else’s expectations
Avoiding disagreements or difficult conversations around issues that need to be addressed
Today we’ll focus on obligations.
There are various reasons for this:
Many of us are conflict-avoidant, and/or want to be liked. We say “yes” to things we don’t want to do, events we don’t want to attend, requests from more senior or dominant personalities because it’s easier to give in. We assume that if we don’t, disagreement or distance will result.
Habit - if we’ve said yes a few times to someone, even if we didn’t want to, it becomes harder to start saying no to break a pattern. We assume they already expect the yes. And, we have to overcome our own habits.
We aren’t just conflict-avoidant. Many of us also dread conflict resolution. We don’t have confidence - in others or ourselves - in resolving a difference or disagreement, so we either give in, or avoid having that initial difference of opinion, or any friction to begin with.
We never learnt how to hold our boundaries. The opposite of giving is not pushing back, It’s holding your ground. We often think in dichotomies, and if we’re apprehensive of one outcome, we swing the other way. There is a middle ground.
Why does this matter?
When we do things out of obligation, resentment can fester.
The more we show up without being honest with ourselves and others, the more this affects our sense of self: If your actions keep telling you that who you are, or what you want, is different from what your thoughts tell you, that cognitive dissonance will take its toll.
Humans are wired to reduce cognitive dissonance - to figure out how to explain things which seem inconsistent, including ourselves. At some point, even the most easygoing person will find it difficult to ignore their needs repeatedly - and only realize that’s the last straw when it actually hits. By then, mending a relationship, or recovering your sense of self, is far more challenging.
In the meantime, resentment has built up affects health and productivity, while laying the ground for the four horsemen of relationships (contempt, stonewalling, criticism and defensiveness).
Sometimes, we really do have to fulfil obligations, even if it doesn’t feel great in the moment. For other times when we do have an option, but are not taking it, here are some tips to help.
3 reframes to manage obligation-based resentment
If you feel obliged to do something which you know you’ll resent later, but still find it hard to draw boundaries in the moment, consider these 3 things:
1) What responsibilities or desires am I sacrificing, in giving in to this obligation?
The time and energy you put into that obligation means less time and energy for something else. What are you giving up? For instance, are you sacrificing important self-time, or more sleep, or energy for another activity with friends or family? Knowing this will clarify if the cost is worth it, and help you make a deliberate decision.
Alternatively, consider your values - what is important to you? Which decision is in line with these values?
2) If I’m agreeing to someone to please them, my resentment later on will still impede the relationship.
We keep the peace because we think it will help others or result in a harmonious environment. They may like you more. But if you’ll resent it, that destroys the relationship: The next time you see this person, or asked to do something similar, you’re likely to be reluctant or defensive, and may even start avoiding them. If nothing else, it's an immense waste of energy.
Reframe this moment into what it means for your longer-term relationship and how you would like to feel around this person. Find other ways to support them that don't actually encroach on your own needs.
3) What is a gift or possibility that may come out of doing this?
If you have to do it anyway - because such is life - try to approach this with a different energy that reduces the unhappiness. It takes practice (and awareness), but since you’re doing anyway, see if you can figure out what good, or fun, or opportunity, might come out of this.
See if you can make this a game of sorts. Being able to do this actually helps other areas in life.
Remember that as difficult as it may seem, the onus is on you to prevent resentment by drawing boundaries, or learning to have tough conversations.
If you don’t establish and communicate what is important to you, others will not know what these things are, and they will decide for you.
What are other ways you’ve dealt with obligations? I’d love to compile other tips and share them in future issues!
Action / Reflection
How often do you act out of obligation? Out of these, which instances tend to result in resentment?
What message are you sending to others about what’s important to you, through your actions and words?